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Monday, August 13

Embarassingly personal

Scott said something about lifelong learning that got me thinking along rather personal lines.

Sometimes I wonder if I might, just MIGHT not be good enough. In general, you know. I know myself, and I know I'm pretty useless at times - lazy, ignorant, selfish; I can be a complete waste of space. It's not pretty but there it is. And sometimes I feel stuck like that. If that's what I am, I think to myself, why bother?

Scott expressed his eagerness for learning to validate "my belief that, I was neither stupid nor thick."

I'm an eager learner as well. I love to read, especially, and I love people... I like to know people and understand their thoughts and realities. I like that kind of learning. But learning is also a way of bettering myself. Every now and then I catch a glimpse through a certain window into a world where Tiana is confident, dedicated, CAPABLE, and never, EVER procrastinates! She is an excellent teacher, valued by her students, highly desired in the workplace (I mean in a professional sense...), and probably has a fantabulous personal life because she never forgets to reply to her friends' messages on facebook.

I know there are a lot of great things about me, and that's all well and good, but the nagging feeling of not being 'good enough' persists in rearing its ugly head in moments of insecurity. I want to overcome this; I want to be better, be helpful, make people happier, improve their lives... I don't want to stay the same and slowly settle into the mud of mediocrity and low expectations. It would be so easy.

Learning, then...

When I feel stuck, learning is the way out, and I need to hold on to that motivation. I have a little phrase I like to whip out at necessary moments:

Action creates momentum!

I said it to myself this morning as I was buried under the covers in bed. It takes one movement, and the will to keep moving... so I groan and lift my head and then lift the rest of me and finally... huzzah! I'm up! Bring on the day! Working out what to do from here is another matter but you have to celebrate the small victories.

So anyway. I WANT to learn but I lack momentum. Inertia is a too-powerful force. I need to make the small actions that lead to the bigger ones. I need to encourage myself not to settle with where I'm at... I need to remind myself that I (just like you, and just like the children we might teach) have all the potential in the world, and that everything I need to unlock is readily available if I'm willing to learn the keys.

2 comments:

  1. There was me thinking I was blethering to the ether. I am personally humbled that something I wrote has touched off a personal journey. Self doubt is always an ever present emotion. It rears its ugly head at predetermined and also, thouroughly unexpected moments. However your future, and that of others is in YOUR hands. Grasp the opportunity like the last rock before the waterfall. You can and you will succeed, when you put your mind to it. I am glad you shared a little bit of the inner Tiana with us, it will give us all the courage to do the same. What an absolutely wonderful post. Thank you for making my evening as I read it.

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